So much has happened since I’ve last written. So much.
May 2016, I was hit by a bombshell. My husband wanted a divorce. At that point, I decided to put my life on hold to focus on attempting to save my 15 year marriage. For a year and a half I fought tooth and nail to save our marriage. I did everything I could, but, our marriage died and we divorced this last August. During our divorce, I was left with the task of selling my beloved home, alone, packing it’s contents, alone, and moving myself into an apartment. Then, this last November, my Father unexpectedly died. It’s been an incredibly rough two years.
During all of the chaos, I lost a lot of weight, A lot! And, not in a good way.
Anyone who has been through a divorce understands the physical and mental toll it takes. My heath declined rapidly, as did my weight. I went from 155lbs to 126lbs in less than two months. I was Ok with losing weight I’ve struggled for years to get rid of. But, the method was the worst one possible. There were days I ate nothing more than a half of a sandwich. There were days when I didn’t eat at all. I just did not have an appetite. The thought of food made me sick.
I stopped going to the gym all together and went so far as to cancel my membership. I began having daily anxiety attacks. My coworkers overheard me as I took deep breaths throughout the day, just trying to breathe. I went to the doctor and she prescribed medication to get my anxiety under control. I took it twice. Never took it again. The medication worsened my anxiety to the point of shaking, heavy breathing, and nervousness. Jeez Louise!
Depression set in like no one’s business. At times I was a heaping mass of goo crying my eyes out on the floor. I lost my way to myself. I needed to grieve. I needed to heal. I needed to accept what has happened. I needed to accept my new life.
I found a great therapist. He was the same therapist my ex and I went to for marriage counseling. Since the marriage was lost, I figured he could at least help me in accepting what happened, accept myself, and move forward. None of this was going to be easy. My self-esteem was the lowest it has ever been. I’ve always had self-esteem issues, but I pretty much hit bottom at this point. I felt unattractive, unworthy, and downright crappy.
I still went to work everyday, never missed a day. But, it was a struggle. I broke down at my desk quite a bit, I felt dizzy and light headed a lot of the time, and I was very weak and tired. My work product began to suffer. I couldn’t concentrate and I was losing my bedside manner when it came to my customers.
I have the greatest co-workers! They listened to me cry, they gave me hugs when I needed it, and offered advice. They talked me down to calmness more times than I could count. It was a very rough time and I can’t thank them enough!
Many people noticed my weight loss and complimented me asking “you look amazing! What did you do to lose the weight?” I simply said “got a divorce.” The smile would instantly leave their face and I would assure them it was ok. I was ok. I didn’t say it to be sarcastic or snarky. I was simply telling the truth. I didn’t want people to think I did anything spectacular to lose the weight. I wasn’t exercising, I wasn’t eating healthy, when I ate at all. I was trying to cope through the most difficult time in my life and had no guidebook to show me how.
I cried to my girlfriends, my sisters, my parents. I felt like I was the only one in the world that had ever been through this.
I was hurting physically and emotionally and needed to do something, and quick.
We signed our divorce papers in May of last year and had 90 days until the divorce was final. During the 90 day waiting period, I did something drastic: I thought of myself and what I wanted. I made the powerful decision to treat myself to the trip of a lifetime…by myself! My dream place has always been the UK and Ireland. I figured “I’m worth it! I’m taking myself! I’m going BY MYSELF. Liz, you are going to take care of YOU from now on!” So, I booked the trip! I booked it for the week of what would have been our 15th wedding anniversary.
The excitement of planning the trip was a much needed distraction. I began eating again. Granted, a lot of the food was “comfort food” but, at least I was eating again. I gained a some weight back and was steady at a comfortable 130lbs. I still wasn’t exercising, but I was feeling better both physically and emotionally. As the 90 day waiting period got closer, I began to accept that our divorce was the right thing for both of us. It still hurt, after all, we were together for 23 years and married for 15 years, but it was for the best. He was living his life back in CA, and it was high time I started living mine.
By September of last year, our divorce was final, our house was sold, and I was now living in an apartment. My trip was only a month away. I was feeling better and was still looking pretty good. My life as a newly single woman was beginning. I was terrified and excited at the same time. I only had myself to look after now. I haven’t done that in so long. But, I was looking forward to living for me!
It sounds silly, but there is really something very empowering about buying groceries just for yourself. I’ve always been pretty good at making healthy choices when it came to food. But, with a full on carnivore in the house that thought fruits and veggies were evil, it made eating healthy a bit of a challenge. For the first time in years I was able to make food choices that I wanted. All the veggies, fruits, whole grains and lean meats I wanted! Again, silly, but empowering!
I try to keep as much fruit and veggie in my fridge as possible, but its’s pretty bare. I only buy what will keep for a few days. After all, I don’t want to buy something that is going to go bad before I have a chance to eat it.
Now, that my weight was down, I had somewhat of my old figure back, and my self-esteem was picking up, I started hitting the vintage clothing stores again and collecting pieces for my wardrobe. I began buying pinup clothes again. I was finding myself again. My inner pin-up was resurfacing! OH, HOW I MISSED HER!!
October arrived and I went on my trip. It was during this trip that my life truly changed! I found an inner strength that I had forgotten I possessed. I was in the UK! I did it! On my own! I was doing something that made me happy. I was doing something for myself. I was meeting people from other countries and making friends from other parts of the world. I was going places and seeing things I’de always dreamed of, and I was doing it on my terms! For me!
I flew into London on October 13th and the 10 day tour started the next day. We made our way north to Scotland. We then took a ferry to Northern Ireland and then headed South into Ireland. October 19th, we were in Waterford, Ireland. This is the day that would have been our 15th wedding anniversary. I was in the oldest town in Ireland. It was fitting. Such history in this place. It was on this night I wrote out my feelings on a tiny piece of paper along with one of my favorite quotes. I rolled up the tiny piece of paper, said a tearful “good-bye” to my marriage and my ex, and hid the piece of paper in a crack in one of the old walls along the waterfront. At that moment, I felt such a release of energy. I huge weight was off my chest. I felt amazing. I knew I would be OK and that my life is going to be a huge adventure from that moment on!
That trip was the best thing I could have every done for myself! I came home energized and ready to take on anything.
Unfortunately, just a few short weeks later, my family and I would suffer another devastating blow.
Mid-November, I was called home to CA because my father was in the hospital. He had been suffering for years with COPD, Emphysema, congestive heart failure, and a few minor strokes. Isn’t smoking wonderful? He has always pulled through when something like this happened. But, this time, he wasn’t coming home. Sixty years of chain smoking took it’s toll, and my father.
Daddy passed away November 14th. I wish I could say he passed peacefully, I wish I could say it was like in the movies where he said something poignant or quotable. I wish I could say he passed without pain or fear. None of that happened. But, he was surrounded by those who loved him most and we all held him and assured him of how much he was loved as took his last breath. I’ve never watched anyone I know die before. I hate the fact that my last memory of my father was of him gasping for air. But, I treasure the fact that I was there to tell him how much I love him. I treasure the fact that I was there, as he took his last breath.
Losing my father is truly the hardest thing I’ve ever gone through. After all, our Daddy is our first protector. He was my hero, my champion. I miss him everyday.
I know I still have much to deal with when it comes to my Father’s death, and I don’t talk much about it. It’s too painful and I’m not ready to fully handle it. I will be one day. But, as of right now, I’m handing it one day at a time. My mother sent me some of his pull-over sweaters that I wear on cold nights. Every time I wear one, it’s like I’m wearing his hug.
So, as you can see, a lot in my life has changed. Everything has changed. I’m growing as a person and finding myself again. I’m changing what I can change, and learning to accept and embrace what I can’t.
I have incredible friends and an amazing family who have stood by me every step of the way. I couldn’t be more thankful for my life.
Yes, the last two years have sucked royally, but, right now, I’m actually the happiest I have been in years! Truly! I have a second chance at living the life I want, and I’m going to do my best not to waste it.
When I got back from my trip, I rejoined the gym and have been doing my best to focus on eating healthy. Though I have not been able to get into the gym lately due to my current work schedule, I’m hoping that will change soon. As for eating habits, I fully admit I eat donuts for breakfast, and have the occasional fried dish. I’m back up to 140lbs. I’m not happy about that but, I’m a work in progress.
I will always be a work in progress. And, I’m ok with that.
Taking Back My Inner Pin-up 