I just noticed that it has been a year since my last post. I would love to post more often but sometimes life happens and distractions take over. So, without further delay, here is an update on life.

I turned 51 back in December which means I am now officially in my 50’s. A lot has happened in the last year that has taken up much of my mental energy. Mostly, changes in my health.

I’ve been trying my best to learn how to deal with my anxiety and the occasional attacks that seem to come out without any reason or warning. Exactly a year ago this month, I woke up at about 2:00am to the granddaddy of all anxiety attacks. My chest hurt, I was short of breath, my heart felt like it was racing, and no amount of deep breathing calmed my nerves. I was miserable. About an hour later I was finally able to fall back to sleep just to wake up to my alarm at 5:00am. I got up to get into the shower and felt weak, dizzy, and nauseous. I first thought it myself that I just got up too fast. I’ve always had low blood pressure and if I get up too quickly after waking up, I sometimes get dizzy and lightheaded. But this was different.

I thought about the anxiety attack that woke me up earlier that morning and realized that I’m no longer a “spring chicken” and that I shouldn’t mess with this anymore. I should be checked out. I called in sick to work and took myself to Urgent Care. It was determined that I had anxiety (which I already knew) and was referred to see a cardiologist for more tests. Hearing the word “cardiologist” suddenly got my attention. Only older people have those, right? Then I remembered, I’m 50. I AM one of those “older people.”

Over the next few months, I had various tests done. I was given a tread mill test, full physical, and an echocardiogram. I knew something was afoot when the sweet gal conducting the echocardiogram asked if I could “feel those palpitations” that she was seeing.

Finally, in September I sat down with my cardiologist for the results. I was told I have a minor tricuspid regurgitation…in other words, a minor heart valve leak. One of my heart valves does not close completely when pumping blood out of my heart so some blood leaks back in. I’ve never been more terrified of dying before. My mind flashed to hearing stories of open-heart surgeries to repair or replace valves, people dying on the table, you know the usual stuff. Sensing my nervous calm, the doctor assured me that it was so minor that all they need to do at this point was monitor it for the next 3-5 years. No surgery needed! He continued with “there is nothing you can do to make this worse, or better.” And then he finished with the standard closing that makes us all cringe…” you need to start exercising.” Ugh. Oh, and I “have the stamina of a 70-year-old.” Ouch.

You may remember that a few years ago I was gung-ho about going to the gym 5 days a week for two hours a day. Though I felt good emotionally, physically, the scale wasn’t moving, and neither was my dress size. I was eating as healthy as I could but no amount of working out was getting me anywhere near where I had hoped I would be. It was around this time that my marriage began to crack. I stopped going to the gym for the next year and instead concentrated on saving my marriage. When that failed, I just didn’t have the mental or physical energy to go back to the gym. I haven’t been back since. I had to be honest with myself. I’m not a “gym rat” nor did I want to become one. I still have no desire to join a gym anytime soon. Instead, I have found walking 4 miles a day 4-5 days a week has benefited me greatly. I need to strengthen my heart. Right now, my heart health is my main focus.

Another health issue has also resurfaced. I have TMJ (Temporal Mandibular Joint) disorder. As I have previously written about, I had surgery when I was 25 to correct it. My jaw was surgically broken and reconstructed and my jaw was wired shut for 8 weeks. After the surgery I was able to eat properly and function like a normal human being without pain or my jaw popping out of place. Flash forward 25 years. My jaw started acting up again about two years ago. Jaw aching, headaches, and the occasional popping that many TMJ sufferers know too well.

Around June of last year, I woke up and my jaw felt like it was out of place. I thought I had popped it back in place, but it still ached horribly. I went to work thinking that some ibuprofen would help. My jaw still didn’t feel right. It wasn’t unit I took my first phone call that I realized I could not talk. My mouth couldn’t form the words and my jaw felt terribly out of place when I tried to speak! I took more time off work (yeah, not stressful at all) and made an emergency appointment with my dentist. He confirmed my jaw was not dislocated, but the muscles were very tight and inflamed. He referred me to a TMJ specialist. More medical tests (this seems to be the year for it) and an MRI. Turns out. Have arthritis in my jaw along with TMJ issues that were bound to happen regardless of what I did or did not do. Even though the jaw joints were reconstructed 25 years ago, they are still wearing down. The discs that sit between the jaw joints and the skull that allow me to smoothly open and close me mouth are slowly wearing away.

Again, nothing they can do surgically at this point. The specialist advised that jaw surgery is not as common as it once was because there are other treatments available now. She recommended that I start sleeping with a night guard. I’ve never had a night guard before. It’s never been suggested. Her night guard was going to cost me $5,000.00 after insurance! Great! There go my heart palpitations!

I discussed all of this with my dentist and he suggested trying the over-the-counter night guards before breaking the bank on the $5,000.00 guards. I bought “mold yourself” night guards from Amazon. Holy Mother of Pearl!! What a difference! The first night I slept with them was a bit awkward, but I woke up the next morning feeing amazing! My jaw was relaxed and did not pop at all. I didn’t have a headache or ache in my jaw, and for the first time in moths I felt like I actually had a restful night of sleep.

So, as you can see, this year has been a stressful one for several reasons. Mostly health related.

Sadly, I’m back up to the 140lbs I was at when I started this blog. I get discouraged at times because it seems like the only time I lose weight is when I literally starve myself. I was happy and feeling energetic at 130lbs just a little over a year ago. But I remind myself that I was also coming off a divorce and rarely eating. That is not a healthy lifestyle.

Taking back my inner pinup is not just about reaching your goal and then saying “I’m done! Hooray!” No, darlings. It is a constant journey to find your best you. To find what makes you happy, healthy, and live your best life. It’s about finding that comfort in your own skin.

As I’ve said in prior posts, age is just a number. I don’t feel 51 years old and certainly don’t act it. But I need to pay more attention to my body and what it’s telling me. I need to remind myself that ignoring symptoms does not make issues disappear.

Bette Davis said it best… “Old age ain’t no pace for sissies.”

Life has a way of creeping up on you.

I started back on Weight Watchers just before the holidays. So, naturally, I didn’t log anything I ate and ate nothing but crap (Lol). But, in all seriousness, I had many chances to eat healthy and do some exercise, but, I chose not to. It’s all on me, no excuses.

Let’s be honest, it’s much easier to grab a snack from the cafeteria at work and sit at my desk surfing the web than it is to pack a nutritious lunch and take a walk. Sure, I could take a walk on my lunch break but I use the excuse that I don’t like to sweat at work. Cheesy excuse I know, but that’s the only card in my deck.

Until recently, I was also working voluntary overtime at work. I was using “overtime” as an excuse not to get into the gym. “By the time I get home it’s almost 9:00pm and I haven’t had dinner yet. I have to be in bed in a half hour.”

Yes, I’m the queen of excuses. No one can top me when it comes to excuses.

Recently, I came across a photo I took of myself a couple of years ago while I was going through my marital turmoil. I was down to 126lbs and a size 6. I was just 6lbs away from the weight I was while in high school. At the time, I was so happy to be at that weight again. I posted the photo on Facebook with the caption “I need to get back here!!!!” My very dear friend Diana replied to the photo and reminded me why I was down to that size…I was literally starving myself!!

During that time my breakfast consisted of a cup of coffee, a half sandwich for lunch, and a handful of almonds for dinner. The thought of food made me physically sick (see my May 2018 post).

Was this method of weight loss effective? Yes!

Did I lose weight? A ton!

Was it a healthy weight loss? Absolutely not!

After posting that photo, and recalling Diana’s reply, I really had to think. I need to take my journey a bit more serious. I preach of empowerment and “taking back my inner pinup” on my blog and my Facebook page. But, was I really living it? Or was I just a squawk box spouting a lot of verbal diarrhea that I wasn’t really following myself?

I decided to get back on track and prioritize my life. I’ve realized that I need to take Weight Watchers more seriously. I need to take my exercise more seriously. I need to take my happiness and health more seriously. I need focus.

I discussed all of this with a person very dear to me. He asked “what are your goals?” I replied “to lose 10 lbs.” He then stated “I don’t mean weight loss, I mean what are your goals? What do you hope to accomplish?” This was the first time I’ve ever really thought about my journey as more than just weight loss. I must have had the most blank look on my face. I paused for what seemed like a lifetime as I thought “what DID I want? What WAS I hoping to accomplish? To look good in a wiggle dress? Of course! To look like Mamie Van Doreen on a Sunday afternoon! Who wouldn’t? But, realistically, what WAS I hoping to accomplish? What WERE my goals? What DID I hope to achieve? ”

In that few seconds (which seemed like hours) I was suddenly on the spot. This man challenged me in a way no one ever has before. His simple question stumped me. After careful thought I answered “to be a healthier person. To be happy with myself and in my own skin.” He smiled. I smiled. It was I that moment that I was most lovingly reminded that my journey is more than just losing weight. My journey was much more than simple vanity. In fact, vanity should not be a part of it. I should not care how others view me. Those who love me already love me exactly how I am. Those who love me don’t care how much I weigh. Those who love me don’t not care how I look in a wiggle dress. Those who love me know I’m not Mamie Van Doren.

They do, however, care about how I feel and view myself. They want me to be happy for me!

I lost sight and purpose to only for myself, but also for this blog. The concept of taking back my inner pinup is more than what’s visible on the outside. I need to work on what is on the inside as well. How do I feel about myself physically? How do I feel about myself emotionally? What am I willing to accept about myself? Am I willing to put in the effort to fix the things that can be fixed? Am I willing to accept that I will not be perfect? Am I willing to accept my flaws? Am I willing to accept that I am a beautiful person just the way I am? Am I willing to accept that I’m worthy of love exactly as I am? AM I WILLING TO ACCEPT THAT I’M NOT MAMIE VAN DOREN NOR SHOULD I STRIVE TO BE?

So many questions. But, questions that need to be pondered and answered. His questions really hit home. I’m glad he asked them. I needed that dose of reality.

Life is a constant balancing act. Work, family, friends, self..it all has a place and a time. It is up to us to decide what happens and when. It is up to us to decide what is the most important. Sometimes, we need those closest to us to point that out. Sometimes, those who love us the most, are the best at guiding us in the right direction. Sometimes, those closest to us are the ones who give the feedback we need to hear. I’m grateful to my loved ones for reminding me that not all desired ends come from healthy means. I’m grateful to my loved ones for reminding me that my goals should be strictly for MY happiness and not one else.

I remember, like it was yesterday, my high school drama teacher Dennis King telling us “other people see you differently than you see yourself!” My friends, my family, my society sees me differently than I see myself. We are our harshest critics. I needed to go easier on myself. I needed to stop judging myself on whether I looked like Marilyn or Mamie.

My body is my own.

My body is my own.

My body is my own.

I will say this until I believe it. I hope you will do the same. YOUR BODY IS YOUR OWN!!!

So, I’m back on the Weight Watchers bandwagon. I’m looking into balancing my work schedule, my free time schedule, and my workout schedule. I’ve had a “come to Jesus” moment and confirmed that I don’t want to be a “gym rat.” I will go a few times a week but don’t want to spend hours a day, every day, in a gym. It’s just not me. It’s just not a lot of people, and that’s ok.

I want to go to the gym and let go of stress, lower my blood pressure, reduce my body fat, tone my muscles, and feel good about myself. I DON’T want to feel guilty about NOT spending 7 days a week, 4 hrs a day in the gym. It’s not my jam and not realistic for me. God bless those that wish to spend their life that way. I give them nothing but kudos and love. It’s just not my path.

My darlings, our journey back to health and happiness are our own. I’ve realized that my path is mine, your path is yours. We have different means of getting there. If we are content in the means, then all is right.

Please, do what is right for YOU. This is YOUR journey. YOURS AND YOUR ALONE!!! PLEASE, look to those who love and support you. Listen to those who give you advise. It may not be comfortable but it’s sometimes necessary. If they truly love you, they will be honest with you. You may not like their opinions or answers, but, it’s what you were looking for. After all, that’s why you asked, right?

Today is my 50th birthday.

I don’t mention this for any accolades or well wishes. I state that today marks the date of my birth simply as a fact. It’s just another day. I woke up, laid around the apartment, drenched myself in classic movies on TCM, and just relaxed.

I don’t feel any different, I don’t look any different. But, turning 50 is supposedly a big deal. I guess turning fifty, for many, is like living a scene from Logan’s Run. That dot on our hand suddenly turns red and we are to be put out of our misery, or just stop living as we wish. We are to stop having fun because it’s not “becoming” of a mature lady. We are to act a certain way, dress a certain way. We have to rethink the clothes we buy as “age appropriate.” Bullocks!!!!!!

Many of my female friends had a hard time with turning the dreaded 5-0. “I’m now a half century old!”, “I’m old now.” Many of them cried.

As for myself? I guess I have been preparing for this “world-altering event” for a while. Why? I had a very difficult time turning 30. I wasn’t married yet, I didn’t own anything, I didn’t have a college degree, I was a mail & file clerk, I didn’t have much going on in the way of accomplishments. Yes, 30 was hard. Turning forty was such a non-event, that I don’t even remember doing anything. But, 50! My, god, 50 years old is, well, old…right?

I’ve been reading articles, watching videos, and listening to stories of women far past this “agonizing” age and took note as to their outlooks on life. Many of these Goddesses are well into their 80’s and 90’s! They dress how they please, talk how they please, do what they please. I adore every one of them! They are my muses. They are the ones I found comfort in. They taught me that age truly is just a number.

I look to these ladies for their stories, their perspective on aging for women, for their advice on how to handle getting older when society expects us to look young forever. Their advice was simple: don’t give a f—k what society expects of you! If you want to do something, do it! If you want to wear something, wear it! If you want to say something, say it! Don’t be afraid of what society expects of you now that you are of a certain age. BE YOU!

Today’s “50” is nothing compared to what turning 50 was for a woman say as little as 30 years ago. A 50 year old woman was more than likely married, had children, and possibly, grandchildren. If she was married, she was probably a housewife or had a job doing some sort of secretarial work or something along those lines. If we look farther back, say the 1940’s to the 1960’s, a 50 year old woman was a housewife sitting next to the fire with her husband either knitting or making sure the grandkids were put to bed. My how things have changed!!!!

Yes, I am 50 years old today. But I’m no senior citizen! I’ve been mistaken more than a few times for a 35 year old, I still wear Doc Marten boots, I still go to punk rock shows and stand in the mosh pits, I still dye my bangs purple (or whatever other color tickles my fancy), I travel when and where I please, and I occasionally get carded at bars.

Yes, I am 50 years old today, but, I have lived a full and amazing life thus far. Yes, it’s had some amazing “ups” and some very low “downs.” But, it’s been an honest and full life!

I have had 50 years of adventures! I was born, I survived high school, I dabbled in acting, I worked at Disneyland, I got married, I graduated from University, I bought houses, I’ve traveled all over the country, I’ve met amazing people, I started writing two blogs, I’ve met countless celebrities, I survived divorced, I took myself to the UK, I survived the death of my father, and I’ve found my inner pinup again…yes, I have had an amazing full life in these 50 short years. But, the really exciting parts are still yet to come. I have the potential of living at least another 50 years! Can you imagine?!?!

50 years is a helluva long time!

More adventures lay ahead. More stories, good and bad, have yet to be told. More places to be seen, more people to meet. I have at least 50 more years of laughter, tears, love, and loss to experience. I have many more things to say. I have more vintage dresses to buy. So much more is waiting for me!

Yes, I have lines around my eyes, but they are from the thousands of laughs I have had.
Ok, so I don’t have the figure I had when I was a young gal. But, I have tasted many a great dishes.
Alright, I still dye the grey out of my hair, but I choose the colors that make me feel pretty.
Sure, I’ve gained weight, but I continue to work on my health and well being daily.
Like I’ve said in a previous post, I’m always a work in progress.

Yes, I am 50 years old today, and I’ve never felt more alive in my entire life!

“Lose weight fast!” “Shed unwanted pound in weeks!” “Lose weight while you sleep!” “Lose those unwanted pounds without changing your diet or lifestyle!” “Drink yourself thin!”

Do any of these sound familiar? They should. The diet industry bombards us with these deceptive headlines daily, even hourly. Billboards, radio, TV, social media…we are constantly bombarded with words promising to make us the very essence of health, youth, and vitality. The claims sound so promising. These companies play on our weakness of wanting a quick fix. They hope that in our desperation to find the “magic bullet” we will fork our hard-earned cash over to them. And we do. Hand over fist. Most find that the claims of a quick fix, is a huge disappointment.

We want so badly for the weight to just fall off and be the thin vision of ourselves. We so desperately want that “magic bullet” to come into our lives, take away the extra 10, 15, 50, 100, 200lbs that we’ve gained, without us having to lift a finger, but keep lifting our forks.

I get it!!! I’m just like you! I want that quick fix without any hard effort. I want to be the curvy 120lb gal I once was without any adjustment to my diet. I want to get the tight, curvy body I once had without sweating, muscle aches, heaving breathing, and hours spent in the gym. I wish I could pop a pill or drink a shake and suddenly lose 20lbs in a week.

I wish there was a pill or powder that could magically take away the weight I’ve gained over the past 20 years. I wish I didn’t have to watch what I ate. I wish I didn’t have to work like mad at the gym. I wish my metabolism didn’t change. I wish I wasn’t (gasp) middle-aged!

But, darlings, we have to be real…THERE IS NO “MAGIC BULLET” THAT IS GOING TO SAVE US FROM OUR CURRENT TRUTHS. I say “truths” because we each have a different story. We each got to the point we are at now individually. Some of us have medical issues. Some of us gained weight just from living life.

Kids, work commitments, stress, school, family issues, health issues, lack of sleep…life.

Yes, life happens. No one is immune. We all handle it differently. But, my darling Pin-ups and Daddy-O’s, we all have our truth that we need to accept. Once we recognize where we are at and why, we can begin to make changes. Healthy changes. Whether it is going to the doctor for a checkup and receiving the proper medication, or changing our lifestyle, each of us can do something to lose the weight.

Don’t get me wrong, I love a good protein shake or meal replacement bar. In fact, when my jaw was wired shut 25 years ago for my TMJ surgery, I counted on protein shakes for my nutrition. My surgeon wanted be to consume 2,000 calories a day to maintain my current weight of 120lbs. But, living on a liquid diet made this almost impossible.

Humans cannot live on protein shakes alone. Well, I guess you could, but is that really living? I don’t know about you, but I still want steak, tuna salad sandwiches, banana cream pie, pot roast, ice cream, thanksgiving turkey…you get the idea.

CONSUMING NOTHING BUT PROTEIN SHAKES, PROTEIN BARS, AND PILLS IS NOT LIVING… IT’S EXISTING!!!

There are only two times in my entire life that I lost weight without effort: 1) In 1994, I underwent jaw reconstruction surgery to correct my TMJ issues. My jaw was surgically broken and reconstructed and my jaw was wired shut for 6 weeks. I lived on a liquid diet. I lost so much weight that I got down to 94lbs. 2) while going through my divorce last year I literally starved myself and lost about 20lbs much too quickly. Neither method was heathy or sustainable. In both instances I lost all of the unwanted weight rapidly, but I felt physically horrible.

Well, now that I’m in an emotionally healthier place than I was last year, I’ve been bombarded (just as I’m sure you have too) by all of the advertising for protein shakes, powders, teas, meal bars, pills, diet programs, etc. At first, all of this advertising made me a little upset. These companies promise health, weight loss, tight skin, banish cellulite (my big buying point), and a tight, firm body. Oh, if only these claims were true. Well, they are, to a point.

While I was stewing over these advertisements and false promises, it suddenly hit me…I need to change my mindset about these products. They are not necessarily making “false promises.” After all, if you drink nothing but shakes for two weeks you will lose weight. But, I needed to think differently about what these products actually are. They are not the “magic bullet.” They are tools.

Yes, I said tools.

Each of these products have, on some level, valuable nutrition. These tools, when used with the correct understanding, can ASSIST you in your weight loss journey. Notice I said “assist?” We cannot rely on these products to do the work for us. We must put in the time, the effort, and the commitment to change our eating habits, change our level of physical activity, and change our mindset. We must accept what our body looks like and where our health level is and choose to do something about it. We must go to the doctor, we must go to the gym, we must choose healthier eating habits, we must take our medication. We must accept where we are, how we got here, and take responsibility for our past and our future.

Let’s face the facts: THE ONLY WAY TO LOSE WEIGHT AND LIVE A HEALTHY LIFE IS THROUGH DIET AND EXERCISE!! We can’t ignore that we must take responsibility for our own health and well being and cannot rely on a commercialized powder, pill or shake to fix us.

Protein shakes, meal bars, etc., can ASSIST us in this journey, but we cannot count on these products to do the work for us. If drinking a shake was all that it took to lose 40 lbs, wouldn’t we all be at our goal weight? I know I would be. But, darlings, it’s just not that simple.

I am in control of what I eat and how I move. I am in control of how I feel emotionally. I drink protein shakes about 4-6 times a week as a meal replacement. I have an extremely busy lifestyle and don’t really have time for a full meal. I rely on shakes only as a means to fill me up and provide the vitamins and minerals I need to get me through to my next meal. I don’t count on them to lose weight, banish my cellulite (I wish), or make me look young. Losing weight, my darlings, is up to ME.

Currently, I’m trying out two different protein shakes: Lady Boss Lean protein shake, and Think Thin protein shakes. I will give my reviews of each on my Facebook page. I have put drinking shakes into perspective and accept that they are not a magic bullet that will miraculously shed my 20 extra pounds. They are simply tools I’m using to assist in my goals to a happier, healthier, thinner me.

So, let us not poo poo the products being thrown in our faces. Let us accept them as the TOOLS that they are. Let us swallow them, eat them, and drink them with the understanding that they are assisting us, not SAVING us.

Only we can do that, darlings.

I’m back, pin-ups!

After a very long and necessary hiatus, I’m going to pick up where I left off. New post coming soon, and I won’t be holding back!

I love you all!!