I just noticed that it has been a year since my last post. I would love to post more often but sometimes life happens and distractions take over. So, without further delay, here is an update on life.

I turned 51 back in December which means I am now officially in my 50’s. A lot has happened in the last year that has taken up much of my mental energy. Mostly, changes in my health.

I’ve been trying my best to learn how to deal with my anxiety and the occasional attacks that seem to come out without any reason or warning. Exactly a year ago this month, I woke up at about 2:00am to the granddaddy of all anxiety attacks. My chest hurt, I was short of breath, my heart felt like it was racing, and no amount of deep breathing calmed my nerves. I was miserable. About an hour later I was finally able to fall back to sleep just to wake up to my alarm at 5:00am. I got up to get into the shower and felt weak, dizzy, and nauseous. I first thought it myself that I just got up too fast. I’ve always had low blood pressure and if I get up too quickly after waking up, I sometimes get dizzy and lightheaded. But this was different.

I thought about the anxiety attack that woke me up earlier that morning and realized that I’m no longer a “spring chicken” and that I shouldn’t mess with this anymore. I should be checked out. I called in sick to work and took myself to Urgent Care. It was determined that I had anxiety (which I already knew) and was referred to see a cardiologist for more tests. Hearing the word “cardiologist” suddenly got my attention. Only older people have those, right? Then I remembered, I’m 50. I AM one of those “older people.”

Over the next few months, I had various tests done. I was given a tread mill test, full physical, and an echocardiogram. I knew something was afoot when the sweet gal conducting the echocardiogram asked if I could “feel those palpitations” that she was seeing.

Finally, in September I sat down with my cardiologist for the results. I was told I have a minor tricuspid regurgitation…in other words, a minor heart valve leak. One of my heart valves does not close completely when pumping blood out of my heart so some blood leaks back in. I’ve never been more terrified of dying before. My mind flashed to hearing stories of open-heart surgeries to repair or replace valves, people dying on the table, you know the usual stuff. Sensing my nervous calm, the doctor assured me that it was so minor that all they need to do at this point was monitor it for the next 3-5 years. No surgery needed! He continued with “there is nothing you can do to make this worse, or better.” And then he finished with the standard closing that makes us all cringe…” you need to start exercising.” Ugh. Oh, and I “have the stamina of a 70-year-old.” Ouch.

You may remember that a few years ago I was gung-ho about going to the gym 5 days a week for two hours a day. Though I felt good emotionally, physically, the scale wasn’t moving, and neither was my dress size. I was eating as healthy as I could but no amount of working out was getting me anywhere near where I had hoped I would be. It was around this time that my marriage began to crack. I stopped going to the gym for the next year and instead concentrated on saving my marriage. When that failed, I just didn’t have the mental or physical energy to go back to the gym. I haven’t been back since. I had to be honest with myself. I’m not a “gym rat” nor did I want to become one. I still have no desire to join a gym anytime soon. Instead, I have found walking 4 miles a day 4-5 days a week has benefited me greatly. I need to strengthen my heart. Right now, my heart health is my main focus.

Another health issue has also resurfaced. I have TMJ (Temporal Mandibular Joint) disorder. As I have previously written about, I had surgery when I was 25 to correct it. My jaw was surgically broken and reconstructed and my jaw was wired shut for 8 weeks. After the surgery I was able to eat properly and function like a normal human being without pain or my jaw popping out of place. Flash forward 25 years. My jaw started acting up again about two years ago. Jaw aching, headaches, and the occasional popping that many TMJ sufferers know too well.

Around June of last year, I woke up and my jaw felt like it was out of place. I thought I had popped it back in place, but it still ached horribly. I went to work thinking that some ibuprofen would help. My jaw still didn’t feel right. It wasn’t unit I took my first phone call that I realized I could not talk. My mouth couldn’t form the words and my jaw felt terribly out of place when I tried to speak! I took more time off work (yeah, not stressful at all) and made an emergency appointment with my dentist. He confirmed my jaw was not dislocated, but the muscles were very tight and inflamed. He referred me to a TMJ specialist. More medical tests (this seems to be the year for it) and an MRI. Turns out. Have arthritis in my jaw along with TMJ issues that were bound to happen regardless of what I did or did not do. Even though the jaw joints were reconstructed 25 years ago, they are still wearing down. The discs that sit between the jaw joints and the skull that allow me to smoothly open and close me mouth are slowly wearing away.

Again, nothing they can do surgically at this point. The specialist advised that jaw surgery is not as common as it once was because there are other treatments available now. She recommended that I start sleeping with a night guard. I’ve never had a night guard before. It’s never been suggested. Her night guard was going to cost me $5,000.00 after insurance! Great! There go my heart palpitations!

I discussed all of this with my dentist and he suggested trying the over-the-counter night guards before breaking the bank on the $5,000.00 guards. I bought “mold yourself” night guards from Amazon. Holy Mother of Pearl!! What a difference! The first night I slept with them was a bit awkward, but I woke up the next morning feeing amazing! My jaw was relaxed and did not pop at all. I didn’t have a headache or ache in my jaw, and for the first time in moths I felt like I actually had a restful night of sleep.

So, as you can see, this year has been a stressful one for several reasons. Mostly health related.

Sadly, I’m back up to the 140lbs I was at when I started this blog. I get discouraged at times because it seems like the only time I lose weight is when I literally starve myself. I was happy and feeling energetic at 130lbs just a little over a year ago. But I remind myself that I was also coming off a divorce and rarely eating. That is not a healthy lifestyle.

Taking back my inner pinup is not just about reaching your goal and then saying “I’m done! Hooray!” No, darlings. It is a constant journey to find your best you. To find what makes you happy, healthy, and live your best life. It’s about finding that comfort in your own skin.

As I’ve said in prior posts, age is just a number. I don’t feel 51 years old and certainly don’t act it. But I need to pay more attention to my body and what it’s telling me. I need to remind myself that ignoring symptoms does not make issues disappear.

Bette Davis said it best… “Old age ain’t no pace for sissies.”