Life has a way of creeping up on you.

I started back on Weight Watchers just before the holidays. So, naturally, I didn’t log anything I ate and ate nothing but crap (Lol). But, in all seriousness, I had many chances to eat healthy and do some exercise, but, I chose not to. It’s all on me, no excuses.

Let’s be honest, it’s much easier to grab a snack from the cafeteria at work and sit at my desk surfing the web than it is to pack a nutritious lunch and take a walk. Sure, I could take a walk on my lunch break but I use the excuse that I don’t like to sweat at work. Cheesy excuse I know, but that’s the only card in my deck.

Until recently, I was also working voluntary overtime at work. I was using “overtime” as an excuse not to get into the gym. “By the time I get home it’s almost 9:00pm and I haven’t had dinner yet. I have to be in bed in a half hour.”

Yes, I’m the queen of excuses. No one can top me when it comes to excuses.

Recently, I came across a photo I took of myself a couple of years ago while I was going through my marital turmoil. I was down to 126lbs and a size 6. I was just 6lbs away from the weight I was while in high school. At the time, I was so happy to be at that weight again. I posted the photo on Facebook with the caption “I need to get back here!!!!” My very dear friend Diana replied to the photo and reminded me why I was down to that size…I was literally starving myself!!

During that time my breakfast consisted of a cup of coffee, a half sandwich for lunch, and a handful of almonds for dinner. The thought of food made me physically sick (see my May 2018 post).

Was this method of weight loss effective? Yes!

Did I lose weight? A ton!

Was it a healthy weight loss? Absolutely not!

After posting that photo, and recalling Diana’s reply, I really had to think. I need to take my journey a bit more serious. I preach of empowerment and “taking back my inner pinup” on my blog and my Facebook page. But, was I really living it? Or was I just a squawk box spouting a lot of verbal diarrhea that I wasn’t really following myself?

I decided to get back on track and prioritize my life. I’ve realized that I need to take Weight Watchers more seriously. I need to take my exercise more seriously. I need to take my happiness and health more seriously. I need focus.

I discussed all of this with a person very dear to me. He asked “what are your goals?” I replied “to lose 10 lbs.” He then stated “I don’t mean weight loss, I mean what are your goals? What do you hope to accomplish?” This was the first time I’ve ever really thought about my journey as more than just weight loss. I must have had the most blank look on my face. I paused for what seemed like a lifetime as I thought “what DID I want? What WAS I hoping to accomplish? To look good in a wiggle dress? Of course! To look like Mamie Van Doreen on a Sunday afternoon! Who wouldn’t? But, realistically, what WAS I hoping to accomplish? What WERE my goals? What DID I hope to achieve? ”

In that few seconds (which seemed like hours) I was suddenly on the spot. This man challenged me in a way no one ever has before. His simple question stumped me. After careful thought I answered “to be a healthier person. To be happy with myself and in my own skin.” He smiled. I smiled. It was I that moment that I was most lovingly reminded that my journey is more than just losing weight. My journey was much more than simple vanity. In fact, vanity should not be a part of it. I should not care how others view me. Those who love me already love me exactly how I am. Those who love me don’t care how much I weigh. Those who love me don’t not care how I look in a wiggle dress. Those who love me know I’m not Mamie Van Doren.

They do, however, care about how I feel and view myself. They want me to be happy for me!

I lost sight and purpose to only for myself, but also for this blog. The concept of taking back my inner pinup is more than what’s visible on the outside. I need to work on what is on the inside as well. How do I feel about myself physically? How do I feel about myself emotionally? What am I willing to accept about myself? Am I willing to put in the effort to fix the things that can be fixed? Am I willing to accept that I will not be perfect? Am I willing to accept my flaws? Am I willing to accept that I am a beautiful person just the way I am? Am I willing to accept that I’m worthy of love exactly as I am? AM I WILLING TO ACCEPT THAT I’M NOT MAMIE VAN DOREN NOR SHOULD I STRIVE TO BE?

So many questions. But, questions that need to be pondered and answered. His questions really hit home. I’m glad he asked them. I needed that dose of reality.

Life is a constant balancing act. Work, family, friends, self..it all has a place and a time. It is up to us to decide what happens and when. It is up to us to decide what is the most important. Sometimes, we need those closest to us to point that out. Sometimes, those who love us the most, are the best at guiding us in the right direction. Sometimes, those closest to us are the ones who give the feedback we need to hear. I’m grateful to my loved ones for reminding me that not all desired ends come from healthy means. I’m grateful to my loved ones for reminding me that my goals should be strictly for MY happiness and not one else.

I remember, like it was yesterday, my high school drama teacher Dennis King telling us “other people see you differently than you see yourself!” My friends, my family, my society sees me differently than I see myself. We are our harshest critics. I needed to go easier on myself. I needed to stop judging myself on whether I looked like Marilyn or Mamie.

My body is my own.

My body is my own.

My body is my own.

I will say this until I believe it. I hope you will do the same. YOUR BODY IS YOUR OWN!!!

So, I’m back on the Weight Watchers bandwagon. I’m looking into balancing my work schedule, my free time schedule, and my workout schedule. I’ve had a “come to Jesus” moment and confirmed that I don’t want to be a “gym rat.” I will go a few times a week but don’t want to spend hours a day, every day, in a gym. It’s just not me. It’s just not a lot of people, and that’s ok.

I want to go to the gym and let go of stress, lower my blood pressure, reduce my body fat, tone my muscles, and feel good about myself. I DON’T want to feel guilty about NOT spending 7 days a week, 4 hrs a day in the gym. It’s not my jam and not realistic for me. God bless those that wish to spend their life that way. I give them nothing but kudos and love. It’s just not my path.

My darlings, our journey back to health and happiness are our own. I’ve realized that my path is mine, your path is yours. We have different means of getting there. If we are content in the means, then all is right.

Please, do what is right for YOU. This is YOUR journey. YOURS AND YOUR ALONE!!! PLEASE, look to those who love and support you. Listen to those who give you advise. It may not be comfortable but it’s sometimes necessary. If they truly love you, they will be honest with you. You may not like their opinions or answers, but, it’s what you were looking for. After all, that’s why you asked, right?